i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
