i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
