Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
