I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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