life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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