Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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