He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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