I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
