Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
