LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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