Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
