I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You made out with two different species that night
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize
