I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
