Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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