Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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