Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
