I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
