I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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