he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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