I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
