I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
