i don't plan on having that self control this summer
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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