i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
