One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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