I accidentally burped into my bong.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
well you can't waste a boner
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
