My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
