no one should ever give us hovercrafts
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
