my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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