weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
