I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
