the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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