I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
