marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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