i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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