So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
