My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
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