Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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