How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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