dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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