After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
