My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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