I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
