I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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