Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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