My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Less talking, more tequila
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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