I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
