This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
