Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
