I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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