I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
