No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
