So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
