so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
