why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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