he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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