No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
