Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
