I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
